Happyslapped? By a Bloody Jellyfish???

Seriously the funniest man EVER. I hate books written by Celeb's But c'mon! He is great. Never have I met a male with a drier sense of humour than my other half.
 He never cracks a smile and he must know that what he is saying is HILARIOUS. He must. You never see him with any other look on his face than the one he has on that picture. He looks so dumb but clearly isn't.
 
A collection of hilarious and compelling insights and anecdotes, diary entries, poems, ‘true’ facts and cartoons on travel from Karl Pilkington, unlikely star of the Ricky Gervais Show, the world’s most successful podcast – now in paperback.

This is the travel book for people who don’t particularly like travelling, it’s Karl Pilkington, star of The Ricky Gervais Podcast Show, with a suitcase, occasionally with his passport, more often with a bemused suspicion of anything vaguely exotic, and an observant eye for the disappointments, tedium, general weirdness and absurdities of being a tourist abroad and at home. From staring at Mount Vesuvius in case it erupts and the horrors of a Lanzarote nudist beach to the curiosities to be seen in the world’s weirdest museum.

Told with his inimitable deadpan humour, Pilkington’s stories are interspersed with fond reflections on life back in England, from Salford joy riders to what his girlfriend’s mum and dad have for dinner on a Thursday (it’s chops and veg. in case you’re wondering).

It's his girlfriend I admire lol. To put up with that mush day in day out. Saying that though he is handsome so the gormless look could be forgiven at a push. 
 He moans constantly, Nothing is right when he goes on holiday, From having to get up early for the Plane/Train/Boat blah. The food either gives him the squirts or makes him sick, Jelly fish attack him on purpose and he doesn't like talking to people he is never going to meet again in case they "Get too close" And he lives on Battenburg cake. 



I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves.  ~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves," New York Times, 7 August 1991

I will let this one speak for its self I think. I cant do this justice. 

 My name is Kvothe, pronounced nearly the same as "quothe." Names are important as they tell you a great deal about a person. I've had more names than anyone has a right to. The Adem call me Maedre. Which, depending on how it's spoken, can mean The Flame, The Thunder, or The Broken Tree.

"The Flame" is obvious if you've ever seen me. I have red hair, bright. If I had been born a couple of hundred years ago I would probably have been burned as a demon. I keep it short but it's unruly. When left to its own devices, it sticks up and makes me look as if I have been set afire.

"The Thunder" I attribute to a strong baritone and a great deal of stage training at an early age.

I've never thought of "The Broken Tree" as very significant. Although in retrospect, I suppose it could be considered at least partially prophetic.

My first mentor called me E'lir because I was clever and I knew it. My first real lover called me Dulator because she liked the sound of it. I have been called Shadicar, Lightfinger, and Six-String. I have been called Kvothe the Bloodless, Kvothe the Arcane, and Kvothe Kingkiller. I have earned those names. Bought and paid for them.

But I was brought up as Kvothe. My father once told me it meant "to know."

I have, of course, been called many other things. Most of them uncouth, although very few were unearned.

I have stolen princesses back from sleeping barrow kings. I burned down the town of Trebon. I have spent the night with Felurian and left with both my sanity and my life. I was expelled from the University at a younger age than most people are allowed in. I tread paths by moonlight that others fear to speak of during day. I have talked to Gods, loved women, and written songs that make the minstrels weep.

You may have heard of me. 

 So begins the tale of Kvothe—from his childhood in a troupe of traveling players, to years spent as a near-feral orphan in a crime-riddled city, to his daringly brazen yet successful bid to enter a difficult and dangerous school of magic. In these pages you will come to know Kvothe as a notorious magician, an accomplished thief, a masterful musician, and an infamous assassin. But The Name of the Wind is so much more—for the story it tells reveals the truth behind Kvothe's legend. 




 One of the advantages of reading books is that you get to play with someone else's imaginary friends, at all hours of the night.  ~Dr. SunWolf, 

Mist Over Pendle

So, As you all know I not only Rave on and on about great books, I also bitch about crap one, This falls into the latter :( . Ever heard that saying "never judge a book by it's cover"? Well I did just that with this book. 
 In fact it was that bad I couldn't remember what it was called when people asked what I was reading, I kept calling it The Wish Of Pendle. 
For what its worth here is some blurb
 
Seventeenth century England is a place of superstition and fear.

Deep in the Forest of Pendle, people have been dying in mysterious circumstances. The locals whisper of witchcraft, but Squire Roger Nowell, in charge of investigating the deaths, dismisses the claims as ridiculous. Until a series of hideous desecration's forces Roger and his cousin Margery to look further into the rumours. And what they discover brings them face to face with the horrifying possibility that a coven of witches is assembling, preparing to unleash a campaign of evil and destruction...

Robert Neill's novel is a classic tale of witchcraft set in a wild inaccessible corner of Lancashire and in a time when the ancient fear of demons and witches was still a part of life... and death.

 It was slow, extremely dull. It was though full of detail and such, That's the only decent thing about this book, The ending went off like a bang, 2 pages to go and you think there has to be more. NO. Just buh bye. 

 Read it though if you wanna 
 A good book should leave you... slightly exhausted at the end.  You live several lives while reading it.  ~William Styron, interview, Writers at Work, 1958

The Painted Man and The Desert Spear

As I haven't Blogged since before Christmas, And Christmas is the reason I haven't Blogged, Running around like its Armageddon trying to get enough food to last forever when all you need is enough until Boxing Day, Getting all the gifts and buying the Tree and then passing away from sheer exhaustion. No fun.
 Anyway, I have several books to rave about or moan about.
 I always get books for Christmas and that's fine by me. The best thing anyone could get me is a book I haven't read. And I always get lots of them. So one by one (Apart from these as The Desert Spear is the second book.
   Down to business. 

Sand demons, Wind demons, Wood demons, Clay Demons, Rock demons,All of them very angry and all of them rule the night, From The tiny Hamlets to the Free Cities, Everyone hides behind their wards and stay in as soon as the sun goes down, The only people still fighting every night are the Krasians in the east.
 Arlen Bales from Tibbets Brook is just a boy and doesn't understand why people hide instead of fighting. He wants his freedom. He wants what The Messengers have. To roam the night. But even Messengers have warded circles to hide in when the night comes. He wants to roam free. Free from Wards and free from Demons. But how does he get it? Buy the books and find out. I am waiting quite impatiently for the third book. 
There is no Blurb from The Painted Man or Warded Man if you are American. And I am not writing the blurb from the back of my book. And there is no blurb from The Desert Spear. Ha ha. Buy it. 
 Hate for the Corelings (Demons) because they come from the Core (Hell) is immense. Fear is always apparent. There is also a little side book called Brayans Gold and The Great Bazaar, These are following Arlen in his travels as a young boy, The full book is a ridiculous £300.00 lol. But for those two short stories its like £1.99 on the Kindle. 


Enjoy :)
  

 Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.  ~P.J. O'Rourke

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Sunday mornings...........Boring yet so beautiful, A day full of coffee (Till your sick) The newspaper crossword, Playing board games or just lounging on the sofa with a book or watching Sunday T.V. 
 I am currently in the house with just the pooch for company, My partner and son are out doing some shopping for Dinner. 
 It isn't very often my partner and myself are off together and him having a Sunday off is most unusual.
 Lets face it, Sundays were designed for laziness, (although my Son was up at the crack of dawn), Running round the house with the dog like a pair of loons, The dog and my son are like best mates, I have even caught my boy reading a book to the dog in his bedroom, Both of them lied on the bed quite content while Ethan reads "Guess How Much I Love You In The Winter" to the hound.
 My son loves these books and their are four of them. All the same title but ending with the seasons, I.E Guess How Much I Love You In The Summer and so forth. Great read for kids and easy to read to your pets too :) But seriously, These Little Nut Brown Hare books are lovely. Perfect little bedtime stories, My lad has had them since he was two years old, And being cardboard books they are hard wearing, Though my son knows very well to treat books well. He has never ripped or damaged books in any way at all. He has the same outlook on them as his Dad and myself do. Books are lovely and should be kept lovely. 
  These books are an expensive £4.99 EACH or £15.93 for the set, BUT may I add they are well worth the price.  


To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list.  ~John Aikin

Damn All Housework

This was what I wanted to do today.........(The one above) The one below was what I got......







Weep for me please because my tears have run dry lol,
  It wouldn't be so bad but I had to tackle the worst hated room in the house. My evil kitchen. Its the size of a shoe box and its possessed by an evil demon called "Mess" I hate it in there. Constantly looks cluttered because its so small, We have things stacked on top of other things, (not plates) I mean bread on top of dried pasta and so on and so forth.
  If I could get an Exorcist in for such a thing then I would. Father Merron still around????? 
 Anyway no reading for me, So have sulked all day while my kitchen laughed at me. Yeah, I blew it up. :) 


Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience:  this is the ideal life.  ~Mark Twain

Quitting anti-socialism

Day 14 of not smoking, And boy am I proud of myself, Thing is I feel tetchy and like I want to do something. So yeah I chose running, Cos I actually feel like I could, What I wanted was a bike but the pennies wont stretch so far until after Father Christmas has bled me dry, (I hate that big red dude) I spend all the money and he gets all the credit, Hardly fair is it? 
 Any way, I have seen people running and always thought they never look happy.......They look sweaty and out of breath and unhappy, But I need to shed some of the "I have quit smoking so gonna fill my fat face with anything containing more than 1000 calories over the space of 24 hours because I am bored and have nothing to do with my hands" weight. Not to mention that fact that restless leg syndrome has become really bad since I quit, Something to do with circulation no doubt, But its bleeding annoying. Maybe if I run my little legs off they will be too tired for the twitching at night.
 Then in the new year I can get a bike and cycle them off, At least cyclists look vaguely pleased with themselves.
 I actually cant wait to traumatise people with my swinging jogging flesh. Should be interesting hahaha. 


Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.  ~P.J. O'Rourke

Five People. No Seriously, Just Five

This book at first sight come across as a documentary. Does that make sense? lol. No, But seriously, It looks all........Well I can explain it. 
I mean its not really eye catching is it? C'mon....Look at it......Its.............Boring? Hardly screams "read me" Does it?
 But whats inside? Amazing. 
 In actual fact, The way its written it should perhaps be called Five People You Meet On The Way To Heaven. But I guess that's not practical. The five people are either people you knew in life or people you never actually met but may have had some sort of butterfly effect on their life.
  Makes you think about what really happens when you die.....Why five people? Why so many? Or so few if you prefer.....Is there something special in the number??? Why not a nice even number like six? Or four?
  I got to thinking about that and then thought I would end up as a Five People You Meet In Hell ha ha. The five people you pissed off in life...........Would love to know who they would be.
 This book is not big, I read it in a day and a half, But its really profound. You ever get a chance, Then please read it. I was really impressed but then the written word just impresses me no end. I have read terrible books in my time but Hell I didn't put them down till the very end, Then when I got to the end I calmly put it down and then mutter to myself for several hours about its total crapness.
 Anyway. Read this. I demand it :)

And Blah!

You know when you have one of those days when your REALLY don't know what to do? You could go shopping, but you either skint or its persisting it down....(Both in my case today lol) Or you could stay in where its warm and dry and read a good book, Now there is an idea :),
  See the thing is, I have here a brand new book,all shiny and new, The spine isn't even cracked. Not telling you what it is yet cos then it spoils it. But anyhow, Every time I have sat today to read this book something has happened, You know like being in the shower and someone phones, Sods law isn't it? So either there is someone at the door trying to sell you something you will never use, like a dog scourer or something or they want to sell you new windows at a knock down price you still cant afford. So you eventually get some peace, you lie on the bed and crack open your shiny new book and read the first paragraph or the preface or the introduction, THEN you fall asleep :(.
 There are SO many books out there for me to read and I wont live long enough to read all the ones I wish to read. There are books out there I will never get my hands on, Books that I have always wanted to read and could quite well do without sleeping through it all thank you very much. This book I have here is one such book. Wanted it since I heard about it. NEEDED it lol. And I fell asleep. Typical. So when I wake up its time to go and get my boy from school and you know full well that you ain't gonna be reading till at least nine o clock at night.
 Its like fate isn't it? The phone rings when your in the shower, You get an itchy nose when your hands are full of flour, Something you lost is always in the last place you look and that somewhere safe is so safe you cant even find it yourself lol.
 So now I am going to settle down and read my new book in relative peace and quiet :)

       Goodnight    <3

One Day

Seriously excellent book, Funny, touching and bloody irritating all at the same time.
 Emma and Dexter are in their early 20's and fresh out of University And both with pretty decent degree's, Emma is a Northerner with not a lot of money and Dexter is a rich kids from Oxfordshire, Yeah, Also Dexter is a twat, Completely obnoxious and oblivious to everyone but himself and where his next shag is coming from, Not to forget his biggest worry, What is the most fashionable drug at the time. So sex and drugs are his high life while Emma  slaves away in a Mexican restaurant. Also, Emma is in love with Dex, but his ignorant arse cant see that. 
 So while Dex shags everything with a pulse, Emma sticks around and they become the best of friends. 
 This goes on in the same way for 20 years............................20 bloody years lol, Dex bonking everything that consents and Emma secretly wishing he would settle down with her forever.  
 This book is amazing, Simply unputdownable lol. And when I did put it down I was thinking bout Emma and Dex. 
 I saw this book reviewed on some God awful day time T.V show. A morning one that was on simply because I could not be arsed turning off the Telly and put the radio on, From the word go, the way the presenter was driveling on and on about this story that I was determined NEVER to read it, They were talking about it because it had just been made into a film, That made my resolve never to read it even stronger, But then the darn thing was all over the place, People reading it on the bus, It peered out at me from Book Shop windows, With its bright orange jacket, Like it was grinning at me saying " you know you will, Cos you just have to see what all the fuss is about". Bloody thing, Needless to say, I bought the sodding thing and could not put the beastie down. Anyway I was very disappointed in myself for just fobbing off a book just cos it was shown on daytime T.V. 
 So let this be a lesson to you all and...........(Ew I cant believe I am going to say this) Don't judge a book by who bloody advertises it hahahahahaha. I was pleasantly surprised

Been away???

So yeah, Hi, How are you all?
 Well lets see, I kinda got side tracked and ended up being away from this for longer than I actually thought I had ha ha, How about that. But lets see now, At least I have read some books eh? Wanna hear read about them? Course you bloody do. But its gonna have to wait. Because I have this over whelming urge to tell you why I haven't been here for centuries. Well, See, Nah I'm not saying, Urge has left me he he. But just been busy with things, My son and work. Also trying to do something with my life other than vegetate on Face book playing mind numbing games and stuff. 
  But I intend to start putting a little more effort into this cos I really didn't start this just to get bored and wander off. So we will see. I look forward to getting some more followers and yakking on about rubbish books that I suffered through, and great books that I didn't want to put down, even when I reached the last page
So should be fun.